James and the Chocolate Factory
by ChibiFalco
Summary: “Well, it ain’t about no birds and bees. This is the real deal, hardcore stuff!” James grinned. “Think you can handle it?”


Chapter 1: The Story Begins

Corneria, fourth planet of the Lylat system. Our story takes place in the household of the McCloud family. The family of three sat around the table, merrily. They had just finished a dainty, wholesome banquet when the young toddler, Fox, interrupted the peace.

"Dad, how was I born in this world?" Fox asked curiously. The broad vulpine threw up his dish and collapsed on the floor. The mother shrieked in horror as James began to 'break dance', on the floor. Fox stared.

"Asked your mother," he said suddenly, as he stood up with a beer in his paws. The vixen scowled, then sighed. He'd have to learn one day.

"Well, one day the birds and the bees…"

"No!" James interrupted abruptly.

"Well, you tell him since you know so much."

"Well, it ain't about no birds and bees. Fuck that. This is the real deal, hardcore shit!" James grinned.

"Think you can handle it?" he asked. Fox smiled brightly, his eyes lit up.

"Well…" James began.

"It all started when your mother and I hooked up, in high school, after her and Tony the tiger's break up."

"Tiny." She corrected.

"I bet it was. Anyway…"

James peered around the corner and spotted the gorgeous, light brown vixen named Vixy. He wrapped his arm around her waist, while he nibbled on her ear. She turned around so she faced him.

"Yes, James." She said sweetly.

"It's been a while. How you doing?" he said seductively. Vixy sighed; she knew where this was going.

"No James," she replied, as she put her textbook in the locker. He scoffed.

"Stuck up bitch! What the hell do I have to do to get in that factory?"

"Find a golden ticket." She joked.

"I got your golden ticket right here!" James sneered. He pointed to his crotch region.

"What?" Fox asked confused. James looked towards Vixy.

"Thought she was kidding, but she was serious!" James shouted. Vixy chuckled.

"Keep going, James."

"Then I saw my buddy Peppy and…"

"You still hanging with that slut McCloud." Peppy snickered.

"You still got herpes Peppy," James mocked. Peppy flipped him the bird.

"Kidding."

"Sure. You just mad you ain't get none yet."

"Bitch, won't give me none. Said I had to find some golden ticket."

"Oh! That shit was on the news last night at 10:00. Saying that all stores would start to sell some new candy bar. But there's only like 5 tickets." Peppy explained.

"What? This makes no sense!" James complained.

"I know, but 3 have already been found."

"Bullshit. Who found them?"

"I guess you don't watch the news too much. Tiny, Charlie, and Pigma."

"Tiny? Pigma?! Who the hell is Charlie?" James raved.

"That dude who's always eating out the trash can. Poor guy's still a virgin." Peppy shook his head, sucking his teeth. James bolted for the door.

"Where are you going?" Peppy called.

"I'm going to get that ticket. You coming or not?"

Peppy threw his books in his locker and caught up with James. They jumped into his red, exotic sports car and sped off, down the corner to the candy store. They burst into the store like maniacs, wearing ski masks over their faces, and blasters in the air.

"EVERYONE FREEZE!" James commanded, he pointed his gun around.

"DROP THE CANDY INTO THE BAG AND MOVE AGAINST THE WALL."

The store manager reached under his counter, slowly, until James whipped his gun into his face.

"What candy is the last two tickets in?" James asked calmly. The store manager held his hands up.

"I-I d-don't know," he stammered.

"LIAR!" Peppy said and cracked him over the head, with the handle of his blaster. The store manager moaned in pain, while collapsing to the ground. James was becoming impatient.

"Alright," James said and waved the gun around again. "Looks like we gotta do it the hard way." Peppy nodded.

"NO ONE LEAVES THIS FUCKING STORE TILL I HAVE MY TICKET."

"Me too." Peppy added in. They handed out candy bars to everyone.

"EAT YOU BASTARDS! EAT!"

Everyone began to chomp miserably into the candy bars. They ate chocolate, licorice, caramel, and anything else you could think of. Progress was being made until a small elephant boy began to cry. Peppy tapped James lightly on his shoulder. James spun around and gazed into the boy's teary eyes.

"AAaaawwww. Does your tummy hurt?" James asked tenderly. The elephant boy nodded. James twitched, while getting into the boy's wrinkly face.

"Maybe you should of thought of that before you came to the candy store. You fat assed bitch! You'll keep eating until you blow up and die." The elephant boy burst into tears and crunched down on some licorice.

"Leave him alone. He's just a kid!" a young female owl blurted. James shot her head off, her skull slammed against the wall and oozed red…Kool-Aid.

"Look kids, strawberry flavored Kool-Aid. Yum!" James stared at the skull and kicked it.

"He didn't tell you to stop! KEEP EATING!!" Peppy thundered.

After a while, someone yelled, "I found one!" It was a gorgeous feline. She held the ticket in her hands. James smiled and snatched the ticket.

"Good, yes. But there is still one more. You may leave with 5 people." The feline sighed, relieved, and grabbed anyone who looked like they were going to burst at any given moment. She reached for the elephant kid.

"No, leave that fat bitch right there." James growled. The feline rushed out with the chosen people, leaving the elephant boy. James stuck out his tongue and the elephant boy flicked him off. POW! A puddle of ruby Kool-Aid trickled off the elephant's head. Another person hesitated then said, "Hey…I-I got one too." Peppy whipped around grinning and kindly, grabbed the ticked out of the jaguar's paw.

"Got mine. Now let's bust this joint." Peppy smirked.

"Thanks for business everyone. I'm sorry for the disturbance. Please have a nice day."

Fox, along with his mother, stared at James, their mouths hanging open. James laughed.

"I'm kidding! You don't really think I'm that dumb do you?" James chuckled nervously.

Vixy looked at him, unsure.

"Fuck you Vixy."


End file.
